We’re about to teach you a valuable lesson about why you should ignore private car sellers and opt for legitimate, reputable used car dealers instead. By relying on several of my personal favorite Facebook and CraigsList ads, I’ll clue you in as to what types of listings you should probably be avoiding. Additionally, I just think these car listings are comical, and this seemed like a good opportunity to provide some “expert” commentary on them.
Below, you’ll find several online car ads that should dissuade you from buying from a private seller…
Some of the most brilliant listings (unsurprisingly) come from Facebook, including this ad from (in my opinion) a standup guy:
“Nothing special or pretty about this car. 200k miles.
“Rust on the side. I even zoomed in on the rust so you can see it. This car runs and drives. The air blows cold and it has a cd player. Thats it. Nothing more nothing less. Dont bring your *** down here saying it looks different in the pics or you didn’t know it had that much rust. Im telling you right now. This ***** rusty. This **** is $900 dollars. You’re getting 900 dollars worth of car. No I do not have any wiggle room. You can wiggle yo *** down to another dealership.
“Dont ask me about the check engine light or this light or that light. Its 900 dollars. Its gone be some lights on in this motha*****. As is. Dont bring this **** back for nothing. It has 200k plus miles. You damn right u gone find something wrong with it but as for now it cranks. Steers an drives. Blows cold *** air. An won’t leave your pockets bare. This will get you from A to B. Just dont try to make it to C. An dont bring that ***** back to me. This car will last you at least ALL SPRING ’17.”
For starters… bravo, sir. I applaud this individual’s transparency. Most private online car sellers attempt to hide any cosmetic indiscretions, but this guy had the courtesy to ZOOM in on the rust. Sure, “this bitch rusty,” and perhaps some odd engine lights will pop up (presumably before the vehicle suddenly dies on the side of the road). That’s the risk you take by trying to get to ‘C’ after having gone to ‘B,’ and because this car seller made this abundantly clear, I wouldn’t be overly opposed to checking this vehicle out.
This next listing comes from Craigslist. While I could transcribe the content into a single block paragraph, it’s actually better when it’s published in its original format:
piece of sh*t ford escape – $700
Sh*tty ford escape.
Runs like sh*t.
Cracked pcv recirc.
Rust on rear quarters.
4wd still works.
Clean nys title.
Come get it.
Drive it into the river.
Let your dog live in it.
This, my friends, is what we call poetry… I think. If it isn’t, I can’t understand why the seller decided to write out each micro-sentence on an individual line.
Regardless, similar to the previous car listing, I applaud this individual’s transparency. The seller makes it clear that the car is a “piece of sh*t” (for what it’s worth, as a future parent, I appreciate the fact that the seller censored a letter on each of their vulgarities. While it’d ordinarily take me .04 seconds to process that the writer was saying a curse word, that time increased to .06 thanks to the addition of the asterisk). Sure, several essential parts of the vehicle might not work, I’ll admit that. Furthermore, the seller also suggested driving it into “the” river (which sounds like a silly use of $700, but that’s just me). However, after thinking it over, if you truly love your dog, is there really a better way to show your affection than spending $700 on a tiny personal house?
This next car listing, also from Craigslist, makes me question the entire used car-buying process:
00 bmw 323 automatic 175mills clean titl runs but needs change the center bearing driveshaft thast not cost to much. Sale it is $1500firm pepplo interested please text.
if you trade me some pairs of panties chick used wiht picture wearing the pantie o chick who want trade pleasure +cash i low price ok thank u
Well, that’s a lot to take in. I am admittedly full of inquiries, and I’m now questioning my so-called “automotive expertise.” Have car buyers always been able to rely on panties to reduce car payments? If so, is there anything from stopping me from visiting Victoria’s Secret, purchasing underwear, hitting up the seller, telling him I have my girlfriend’s underpants, and then using this mini facade as a way to reduce the value on the BMW? If I can’t, does the seller have some type of technology that can determine whether I’m lying to him?
Also, who is pepplo? Does he also require a pair(s) of panties?
Finally, this Craigslist posting is the type of used car that you should probably be avoiding:
97 blue Mazda miata, manual, good condition, 2 door, convertible, no title and no key. 100k+ miles, but almost all highway miles. Runs great, just abandoned. Kelley Blue Book values over $3,000. Only asking $1500 best offer.
Below, I’ll write out my thought process while reading this car ad…
- *eyes automatically stray towards price*
- “Hm, that’s not such a bad price. I bet the vehicle is a piece of junk”
- *reads that the vehicle is in “good condition” and is a convertible*
- “Hm, impressive. That’s a solid price for what sounds like a solid car”
- *reads that the vehicle doesn’t come without a title or key*
- “Wait, why is there no key or title?”
- “Is this car stolen?”
- “Did the seller just happen to stumble upon this abandoned convertible? If so, is it currently located in the spot that it was abandoned? Does the location happen to be in a secluded car parking lot?”